If you are considering
suicide, please call the
Suicide Hotline at:
(800) 273-8255
30 Things I Want You To Know About Being A Survivor of Suicide
8 of the points below were taken from How to be a Friend of a Survivor of Suicide written by Nan Zastrow (The 8 points were provided with permission from Nan Zastrow)
Purchase How to be a Friend to a Survivor of Suicide: Ask Me... 30 Things I Want You To Know on Nan Zastrow's Website www.wingsfrief.org
acknowledge my loved one's death
When you ignore what has happened, you reinforce the stigma of suicide. Pick up the phone. Come to my house. Send a card. Or attend the wake. Show me that you truly care. I know acknowledging this loss is just as uncomfortable for you as it is for me.
give me a hug, hold my hand
Pat my shoulder. But, don't tell me you know how I feel. How can you 'know' even if you have lost your loved one too? Your gestures shown through the human touch connect more with my soul than words. The time will come when we can share our stories of loss. But for now, I am unique. I stand alone. I am the only one who has ever felt this way.
don’t judge the act of suicide
I feel ashamed and targeted by the attention this death has caused. I am learning that suicide is a choice that may not always come with a reason. We cannot know the depth of pain or the rationale that preceded one's choice in that second of time. When you judge him, you judge me. You imply that I was a poor parent (spouse, sibling etc), that my loved one suffered mental imbalance, that death was a result of substance abuse or other factors. For months and years, I will live in this shadow of this tragedy and answers may never be sure. Instead of criticism, remind me that God is greater than us and sees far beyond our human understanding and knows His child's soul. God has the power to forgive. I do not blame, I will not feel guilty, I will always believe that my loved one's choice was not an effort to hurt the family (for friends). My loved one would want me to be a survivor, not a victim of their choice.
accept my tears, my frustration and outbursts
I am fragile and my emotions will erupt. Tears are cleansing and help me release the anxiety I feel. Give me permission to cry, scream, or rant at any given moment. Put your arm around me, hold me and comfort me because when you can feel my pain, our spirits have become one. Then you can be a healing part of my grief.
trust that I am not crazy, but respect the mysteries of grief
Grief brings mysteries that comfort a few and baffle many. Did I hear his voice on the phone? Was there a message in that dream? Did I see his face in a crowd? Can I really sense his presence in an empty room? Did I hear his voice, smell his cologne, feel a whisper of a kiss on my cheek? I am not crazy. I am normal with grief. These events bring comfort to me.
allow me the ‘grieve’ before letting go
Don't tell me life goes on too soon. Let me experience this for myself and gradually, gently let go of the ties that bind. But don't let me get stuck in time where grief becomes a way of life and me its victim. When I am ready to let go, you will know. Be there to welcome me and show me the possibilities that await my reluctant heart. I may let go but I will never forget.
accept that normal for me is ‘new’
I will not be the person I once was. My dreams are altered. My priorities have changed.
give me hope..the belief that things will be better again
In the shadow of a mending heart, it is difficult to see the sunshine. Hope comes with small miracles every day. Help me envision hope through a day without tears, the companionship of a new friend, a song of peace and healing, the opportunity to try something new, and in countless ways that signify positive change. Hope is obtainable, hope is the product of attitude. Teach me to find the good in everything I do. Demonstrate hope through true friendship, for then I know that because you cared, I can go on.
Visit Nan Zastrow's Website at www.wingsgrief.org
